Spoken Word

Post by Jesus Christ is KING.

Catholic Funnies

 

During a Eucharistic Congress, a number of priests from different orders are gathered in a church for Vespers. While they are praying, a fuse blows and all the lights go out.

The Benedictines continue praying from memory, without missing a beat.

The Jesuits begin to discuss whether the blown fuse means they are dispensed from the obligation to pray Vespers.

The Franciscans compose a song of praise for God’s gift of darkness.

The Dominicans revisit their ongoing debate on light as a signification of the transmission of divine knowledge.

The Carmelites fall into silence and slow, steady breathing.

The parish priest, who is hosting the others, goes to the basement and replaces the fuse.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Reclaiming our Story

Rediscover the Genius of Catholicism from Dynamic Catholic on Vimeo.

Pitch Imperfect

By Rachel Allen, LifeTeen.com

Last week, as soon as Mass ended, the sweet little old lady sitting in front of me loudly announced to anyone within earshot that I (apparently) sing off-key. Totally shocked, I responded, “Well, I guess that’s why I’m out here, and not back there in the choir loft.” Listen, lady, I never promised you perfection from the pew behind you.

But I’d be lying if I said her comment didn’t sting, just a little. After all, I was always taught to do my best, in everything I attempted: in school, clubs, sports, relationships, even faith – and I’ll include singing at Mass on the list.

Then suddenly, somewhere along the line, it seemed like “doing my best” wasn’t good enough unless my best resulted in perfection. It must have started around the first day of high school, when they told me that colleges would be looking at my every move. They’d check my grades, extracurriculars, service work, and leadership – every step of the way.

And then… then came Pinterest. And Twitter and Facebook and Instagram, etc. Suddenly, the Internet was covered in pictures from my peers who were doing everything I’m doing… but better. I don’t even have a Pinterest account, but I’ve still felt the pressure to be the 4.0 valedictorian student athlete slash class president whose hair is always combed and whose car is always clean.

Be Ye Perfect

It’s something I still wrestle with, now. And it even affects my relationship with God. Because, as if all that wasn’t enough, Jesus said that He was setting the bar there, too: “So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48).

Go to Mass on Sundays (and weekdays, too). Definitely pray every day. Confess on a regular basis (did you know there are saints who went to Confession every.single.day?) and throw in at least one Rosary a week. Did you meditate 20 minutes on today’s Gospel? What do you mean, you’ve never heard of the Divine Mercy Chaplet?! There’s a saint of the day, too – memorize that biography! And give some money to the Church and/or to charities, plus spend some time serving in your community.

And THEN, if you’re good enough – only then, if you check off the things on His list – God will give you the things on your list, too.

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Who You're Using When She's Using the Pill

Remember that awkward moment when you got “the talk”? If you did get it, odds are it ranks among one of the more uncomfortably unforgettable moments of both your life and the life of the one who explained the intricacies of the birds and the bees to you. My dad gave me the talk while we were working on a furnace together. I fulfilled my customary role of flashlight-holder while he rambled on about the mechanics of sexual intercourse – the thing was that his head wasn’t even visible while he did so, as he was laying on the floor, head on the underside of the machine. I was grateful for that: no eye contact; my dad likely was, too. Yet, when all was said and done, one task got done the right way – the family was warm again – but the other was left horribly unfinished.

Odds are that most of our upbringings left us without a real, convincing understanding of the relationship between sex and love. Most of us got just the basics of how the biological act works, if we got the talk at all. Adding salt to the wound, the cultural surrounding continues to offer an impoverished understanding of both sex and love, leaving us rather confused and disoriented. In the midst of this void, we have a real need for clarity and truth.

And it’s in this light that I’d like to invite you to take an honest, objective look at the Church’s teaching on the immorality of artificial birth control. Often times, if we’re presented with an argument supporting the Church’s stance here, it’s given awkwardly and insufficiently. The common explanation basically runs like this: “You have to let God in and allow him to decide when and whether you have a baby, being open to life as a gift from Him.” This, understood in the proper light, is a true statement. It is also immensely unconvincing.

In fact, there seem to be many other things which God ought to be more concerned about in this regard: Doesn’t he care about responsible parenthood, having only the children we can support? Doesn’t God allow us and want us to use science to advance man’s dominion over creation and to better human existence? Doesn’t he call us to be stewards of the earth and our family? Doesn’t he know that having one more kid would kill me and my wife?

In the end, it seems that the Church has to pony up a little here and give an explanation that’s more understandable and convincing. The present article hopes to contribute to this discussion.

First, however, we need to understand something about how the Church views human sexuality versus how the society views human sexuality. We’ll look at it in three parts:

What is sex?

The Church: Sex is a beautiful gift of God, especially when considered on the level of a human being, who is a person capable of reasoning, freely choosing, and loving

The Society: Sex is a biological act that satisfies a basic need that must be met in whatever way possible, according to the desire of the individual

What does sex mean?

The Church: Sex is meaningful. It has a twofold, objective meaning: First, it expresses in a bodily way the deepest possible love that exists between a man and a woman. It says, in its action, “I give myself entirely to you in love.” This is a beautiful gift: the ability to express in the body a spiritual love. Secondly, sex is the way that a human being participates in the procreative work of God. The child conceived through sexual intimacy is only conceived along with God: while the couple offers the material body of the child, he alone fashions its soul. God is intimately involved in a couple’s intimacy. This twofold meaning gives direction to human sexuality.

The Society: Sex is meaningless. It has meaning only if I give it meaning. Sex is what I choose to make it. In itself, sex has no objective significance; however an individual chooses to use his sexual faculty is his prerogative; he decides how to satisfy this bodily need.

How is sex related to love?

The Church: Human sexuality is inseparable from love. If the act of sexual intimacy does not occur within the context of love, it fails to live up to its objective meaning. No one can perform an action that says, “I give myself entirely to you in love,” and at the same time not mean it without severely abusing the gift of sex and himself in the process. True love is committed, undying, self-sacrificial love: a type of love that is found in its totality in a marital relationship.

The Society: Sex is only connected to love if you want it to be. Ideally, it’s connected to love; however, if the urge needs to be satisfied, better just to scratch the itch.

The basic question that arises, then, is whether sex is meaningful or meaningless.

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Catholic Ads

Do you think these ever appeared on television?

Church Bulletins

Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Why Be Confirmed? A Personal Reflection

Confirmation is quick: Say your name, get anointed, be blessed. The effects, however, are lasting. As a teen, I appreciated the opportunity to wade in Catholic waters during preparation for the Sacrament, but I lacked the foresight to realize the impact of that special moment until a few years later.

In some small but tangible ways church life does change for the newly Confirmed. I became a Eucharistic Minister. I accepted a sacrament for the first time of my own accord, certainly a step toward adulthood. Particularly because my parents had fallen away from the Church, I became the link between my family and the grace of this divine institution. Yet for most of my peers and for me, Confirmation didn’t offer any different feelings. When I was anointed, I didn’t have my eyes immediately opened to the gifts of the Spirit within me. I didn’t make dramatic lifestyle changes. I didn’t sense any new vocational calling.

But it mattered. Confirmation mattered. It was (and is) part of my journey, and that is all we have as created people – the journey, the experiences, the growth, the choices we make every day. Like all the Sacraments, Confirmation marks an important moment in our lives.

There are plenty of other ways to celebrate the passage from adolescent to young adult. So why be Confirmed? In the Sacraments, we encounter the very God who created, redeemed, and now lives in us. The Latin word Sacramentum means "a sign of the sacred." Jesus instituted the Sacraments, and in each Sacrament, God offers us grace. Grace gives us a taste of heaven, of the sacred, of the strength we need to make daily decisions that reflect our love for those around us and in turn, our love for Jesus.

When someone gives me two gifts, I don't ask why one gift wasn't enough. Baptism is enough for salvation, but Confirmation is an additional gift that tells us more about God, ourselves, and about Baptism itself. It's not a burden, but an opportunity to grow, understand some of the hard things about our world and our faith, and begin a lifelong journey of seeking God through the Sacraments, the Bible, and living in community.

Now as a youth minister myself, I see the process from the opposite side. Many teens enter Confirmation with skepticism, weariness, lack of understanding. Others begin with anticipation that God’s grace will shower upon them. Every teen whom the Bishop greets with sacred oil, however, becomes the soil upon which God plants the mustard seed.

Teens may venture far from the Church – young adult years tend to be formative but trying times – but the Holy Spirit grows in us through our sorrows and screw-ups. Like many young men, I struggled throughout high school and college with an addiction to pornography. I knew the harm being inflicted on my body and mind, but I persisted in sin. The only reason I had for hope sprung from the experience I had in Confirmation and youth group. In moments of selfish desperation, my strength came from knowing God walked with me in the darkness. No magic cure arrived, and the images from my experience leave permanent scars in my life. But that’s part of my journey. That’s part of my story. And while the ultimate ending is still yet to be written, in this instance the grace of God conquered a particular evil in my life. I attribute that to the work of the Holy Spirit in me, that same Spirit I received quickly but powerfully with the sign of the cross and some fragrant oil as a sophomore in high school.

If you’re considering Confirmation, do it. Invest time, thought, and prayer into making the experience worthwhile. If we could only see the abundant grace being dangled in front of us, we would leap into God’s loving arms. You have nothing to lose. Dive in. God will catch you and do the rest.

This Whole Water over the Head Thing

Mary's Meals and Child 31

Child 31 is a powerful documentary film which tells the story of Mary's Meals, a charity which provides a life-changing meal to hungry children every school day.

The inspiring film follows Mary's Meals founder Magnus MacFarlane-Barrow to Malawi, India, and Kenya and gives the viewer a glimpse of his simple, yet ground-breaking approach that aims to lift the developing world out of poverty.

When Child 31 was released in 2012, the charity was providing 700,031 children with a daily meal in their place of education. It is now reaching over 822,000 children across the world as part of its mission to draw children into the classroom and help them realise their dreams.

Donate to Mary's Meals: http://www.marysmeals.org
Hear the voices of Child 31: http://www.child31film.com