I remember a dear friend who, when in the process of converting, was dreading her first confession. So much so that, when the time came, she was crying the entire way to the confessional. She was scared, confused, and she didn’t entirely know why. Afterwards, she confided that she didn’t want to have to go to the priest, to Christ, and lay out all the things she had done. She didn’t want to seem like a bad person and she knew that’s exactly what she sounded like.
What terrifies us so much about our own sins? To the point that we often cast blame on others for our transgressions, we downplay their importance or even convince ourselves that they weren’t really sins at all. We convince ourselves that we’re not “that bad”. We try to make it seem like we didn’t have a choice or we didn’t really know what we were doing.
We’ve all heard the lines… Maybe I’ll go to the next parish over where I don’t know the priest that well. Maybe I’ll just leave out how many times I’ve done that particular sin. Maybe I’ll talk a bit lower so Father won’t be able to tell it’s me.
Why do we do these things to ourselves? When I was a recent convert, I remember thinking that, surely, these priests have better things to do than listen to my confession. Surely they don’t want to hear all the bad things I’ve done or how often I’ve failed myself and God. The longer I’ve been in Seminary, however, I’ve learned to look at it a bit differently. Here’s an example:
A friend of mine was recently ordained to the priesthood. During a summer camp for high school youth, a month and a half after his ordination, he set up for the night to hear confessions. And these kids lined up out the door. He heard confessions for hours, by himself. After a long night I went to get him, telling him he’d seen everyone. He took off his stole, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Brother, there is a life after Seminary, and it is magnificent”. He was exhausted, sweating and smiling ear to ear.
I’ve heard from so many priests that the one time they feel most like a priest is in the confessional. Don’t believe me? Ask any of them.
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